They always taught us in school that two times 4 Loko equals sudden death, and 19-year-old freshman Gus E. has proven that wrong!
According to the incident report, Housing and Residential Life staffer Steven Rosso, 21, reported an intoxicated male sitting on the rocking chairs outside Stanford Residential College just after midnight on Saturday September 6th. Rosso explained that Gus had passed out.
Officer Medina quickly detected “a strong odor of an unknown alcoholic beverage” wafting from Gus’ breath when he arrived on the scene. Officer Medina explained that the boozy freshman had the telltale signs of a night of bibulous debauchery: severe slurred speech, bloodshot eyes, and a fixed gaze.
Gus raised his voice when Officer Medina began to interview him. Medina was concerned because he was not answering his questions properly.
“When I asked him for his name, he stated his phone number to me,” Medina writes in the report.
At first Gus refused to state what type of alcohol he drank and where he drank it. But he eventually caved in and gushed some facts about his night: he drank two 20-ounce 4 Lokos at a friend’s house off-campus.
Since Gus is 19, he explained that his friend who is over 21 years of age purchased the notorious alcohol-caffeine hybrid at the Shop and Stop on Ponce de Leon Boulevard just south of the baseball field.
Officer Medina realized that two of the candy-colored 20-ounce 4 Lokos cans is the equivalent of drinking eight to ten standard drinks. He immediately called the Coral Gables Fire Department.
Gus however was exhausted and threw a pouty temper tantrum at the officer saying “he wanted to go to his room” and then said comments “using obscenities that he is not drunk.”
When the fire department arrived Gus got even more upset with the paramedics. He refused to answer their questions too.
The inebriated 19-year-old was then taken to Doctor’s Hospital and his emergency contacts were informed.
Despite being underage, this police report does not suggest Gus was fined or disciplined by the university. After a night on the banana bag, Gus probably woke up feeling great, and with the signature 4 Loko blackout, had no recollection of the entire ordeal.
That is, until his emergency contact called him. For his sake, we hope he listed his cool uncle.