Drunk Mess

“Juvenile” in Freshman Dorm Can’t Hold His Liquor, Soils Shorts


ethos magazine/Flikr Commons

For most first-years in the dorms, it’s their first time away from home. Pinching old bottles of scotch from the antique liquor cabinet when their parents weren’t around is now a distant memory –even though it was probably just a few weeks ago. It’s halfway through the fall semester, but most freshman have already invested in a fake Pennsylvania ID or know someone that has a fake Pennsylvania ID.

This of course leads to keg stands, jello shots, and beer pong. This intermingling of various types of cheap booze on Ramen noodles unsurprisingly leads to vomit, vomit, and more vomit.

And at 1 a.m. Sunday September 22nd a freshman at Hecht Residential College had soiled his shorts in his own up-chucked stomach stew.

(The report does not describe its consistency.)

House and Residential Life Area Director Ivan Ceballos called UMPD to report an intoxicated “juvenile”. Since Arfie McBarfie is under 18 –which is not uncommon in the freshman dorm during the fall semester– the incident report protects his identity (and refers to him as Juvenile) and does not list his name, age, date of birth, or address. The report does list Juvenile though as a black male.

“Upon arrival Juvenile was conscious and breathing,” the report states. “However he had soiled his shorts with vomit.”

Officer L.D. Bueno reports that the Juvenile was indeed intoxicated.

“I was able to detect the odor of an unknown alcoholic beverage emitting from his person,” the report states. “He had bloodshot eyes and slurred speech.”

After noticing that Juvenile could not stand on his own, paramedics responded and transported him to Doctor’s Hospital where we hope he was provided with a fresh pair of shorts.


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