Youtube sensation I’m Shmacked tours college campuses around the nation and produces viral videos of the drunken antics. Some claim I’m Shmacked reveals a valuable side of university life that most people never see, others argue it’s exploiting intoxicated students. Regardless, no one can resist sharing the videos.
On October 26th I’m Shmacked’s tour bus pulled up to Villa 221 in downtown Miami where they were hosting an event for UM students. After enough alcohol was pulsing through everyone’s bloodstreams the host, a young handsome man in a Sebastian The Ibis tee, circled the crowd asking students on film whether they preferred one-night stands or relationships.
These are the 18 best responses:
18. “It’s college, one-night stand!”
We can’t tell if she’s hiding her midriff from Nana for her film debut or simultaneously holding both guys hands. Neither guy seems to mind, or at least, any sign of letting go. “You first.” “No, you first.”
17. “I prefer relationships. Because I’m in one. Right now actually. And it’s great. Loving it.”
Are you wearing a leash or did your girlfriend buy you one of those GPS chips that they insert in your neck? It’s alright, she knows you love her enough to spend your Saturday night without her getting shmacked and sounding really convincing. Trust really is the most important thing in a relationship. Trust and oral sex.
16. “Probably a relationship, I like gifts and all that stuff.”
Sis Tip #6732: A guy would much rather write a check to a hooker than buy you a Tiffany’s necklace or Twilight‘s DVD box set.
15. “Why the f*ck would I put in that work dawg?”
Exactly! That’s what hookers and checkbooks are for. Dawg.
14. “It’s best to be committed. If you love someone you should be with them.”
Ohhhhh committed like in a relationship, not in a mental institution. Makes sense now! You really should distinguish if you’re gonna make faces like that, and maybe lay off the Jane Austen novels.
13. “Relationship definitely. [You] get pussy every day whenever you want it. One-night stand you have to work for it. A hundred dollars worth of drinks a night, it’s unreal.”
Because everyone knows girlfriends are just prostitutes you don’t have to pay. They’re the poor man’s hooker!
12. “I love to cuddle and be with someone one on one.”
That’s so beautiful. I could just cry. Sorry. I don’t usually get this emotional. I was thinking about cuddling and that made me think about cats. I love cats. I love every kind of cat. I really love cats. I just want to hug all the cats. But I can’t hug all the cats. That’s crazy. But I just want to. I just want to. Sorry it’s just every time I hear cats…
11. “Friends with benefits. It’s more guaranteed but less commitment-y.”
Apparently the only person at UM who realizes there’s a very wonderful gray area between a clumsy one-night stand and candle-lit relationship love-making. And it looks like she has a friend!
10. “It’s like a good bank job, you just gotta hit it and run.”
And be sure to wear a mask. That way she won’t see your face and tell
the FBI her really hot friends.
9. “Ummm, a relationship so I can feel love and respected.”
It’s not so much what she said, but the perfectly sarcastic and mocking way that she said it.
8. “Definitely one-night stand. Relationships… Wooo… Girls, you can’t live with them, can’t live without them.”
Beneath those brown, puppy-dog eyes is a tumultuous sea of heart break and longing. He seems like he speaks from experience and is looking for just the right girl to fix him and get him out of that tacky blue and orange plaid shirt.
7. “You have to have a couple girls to your right, a couple girls to your left, but you have to have your main girl.”
And yet you have no girls around you on either side.
6. “Typically I’m a relationship guy. But like if a girl’s a f*cking dime piece then like…”
Yeah, don’t let that thought keep you from taking another shot. We get the gist. It’s like test-driving a Ferrari. You can’t turn down the opportunity. But before you even put the key in the ignition, you know you’re still going to drive home in your Volvo.
5. “I prefer everything and above. If a b*tch wants to do me, she can do me. If she don’t, f*ck that bitch because I’m a pimp, know dat.”
You hear that girls, he has a job. CHA-$$$$$$$$$$$$HING!
4. “One-night stand because you forget about the girl the next day. Just dump them. Gone! Gone! Leave the dorm room. Gone!”
One question: your dorm room or ours?
3. “I think with relationships you definitely get more sex positions in. She’s definitely open to more stuff. Like if you’re in a relationship, she’s going to be into anal, like for sure in a couple of weeks.”
Bro, totally. If there were a base after home, it would be anal. And no one’s gonna go there unless you give them the meaningful title of girlfriend or prison bitch.
2. “Blondes, beaches, and business cards. It’s all about the U.”
Not entirely sure his position on the hotbed one-night stand v. relationship issue but with such poignant alliteration he surely must get a lot of girls. Donna Shalala couldn’t have said it better herself.
1. “Both or either as long as they’re black men. Wanna hear a secret? I’m a Seminole. What am I doing here?!”
Probably to hang out with our beautiful and talented football team. Whatever, we hear girls from FSU are pretty loose…