Sucks to be you

Half-Kind Samaritan Returns Wallet, Keeps $50 Inside

At 9 p,m. Tuesday October 1st most of the university’s female demographic were primping themselves for ladies night at Barracudas. Twenty-year-old Vanessa Perez was not one of them. She was washing her clothes on Mahoney Residential College’s third floor laundry room. She thinks she lost her wallet there. Fortunately, the wallet was eventually found and … Continue reading

You don't even go here

Ex-Boyfriend Threatens UM Student With Explicit Photos

Summer romances end for all kinds of reasons, but Danielle* and George*’s summer romance was not the kind that Nicholas Sparks writes about. Danielle and George are 21 and from Miami. They started dating in July 2013, but their relationship was short-lived, and ended before the autumn equinox. Around 5 p.m. Wednesday September 25th Danielle … Continue reading

Greek Life

Nineteen-Year-Old Sigma Alpha Epsilon Pledge Fertilizes Bushes With His Vomit

A little past midnight on Monday October 7th a 19-year-old male fertilized the bushes outside the Sigma Alpha Epsilon house on Liguria Avenue with his vomit. “[The student] was sweating heavily and had bloodshot eyes, his skin was flush and he smelled of an odor from an alcoholic beverage,” the incident report states. The student … Continue reading

Sucks to be you

Threatening Stick Figure Drawing of Armed Hostage Situation on Chem Exam Worries Professor

Chemistry professor Carl Hoff was grading papers on Sunday October 13th when he came across a “personally disturbing” stick-figure drawing in the bonus section of one of the exams. According to the report, “[the] drawing was a stick man holding a gun and a knife with the gun pointed toward another stick man. The armed … Continue reading