Sucks to be you

The Ten Funniest Incident Reports from Fall Semester 2013

ImageSure, it’s always great to be a Miami Hurricane, but it can also be incredibly hilarious. After requesting all the police reports filed on campus for the past semester, these are the top ten knee-slappers.

10. University of Miami Golf Cart Taken on 20-Minute Joy Ride

I don’t know who is stupider, the person who took the golf cart for a 20-minute joy ride or the UM employee who actually left the vehicle unattended and with keys in the ignition.

9. Miami Hurricane Footballer’s Official Gear Stolen From Dorm Laundry Room

Despite what the others say, football players are just like you and me. Not even they are immune to laundry room thieves. (Granted, their clothes are lot more sell-able on ebay.)

8. Mysterious White Powder Found Outside Panda Express

Anthrax? Cocaine? Salt? No one will ever know.

7. Freshman Drinks Two 4 Lokos and Lives!

Rumor has it that the FDA is already experimenting on his liver.

6. UM Employee Not a Fan of Bathroom Stall Poetry

It’s a rough time to be an English major.

5. Pranksters at University Village Pull Fire Alarm at 2 a.m.

No one laughed.

4. Canadians Take Boat for Illegal Joy Ride on Lake Osceola

Because that’s totally acceptable behavior in Canada.

3. Student Accidentally Sends His Ex-Tutor Harassing Texts

A lesson to all on the importance of saving first and last names when you add new contacts to your phone.

2. UM Student Roams the Streets Drunk Without Shoes or Wallet

It was like The Hangover, except this kid didn’t have any friends looking for him.

1. Intoxicated 18-Year-Old Pisses in Freshman Girl’s Dorm, Causes $290 in Damages

If you squint that white rug kinda does start to look like a urinal…

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